we finally made it out of the hospital last night. my bloodcount rebounded enough for me to face the outside world. i was beginning to think it would never happen. it's great to be home. i almost don't know what to do with myself. my nerves are racing. it is hard to sit still. i feel like i constantly need to be doing something. it was great to get back in our bed last night. i know i speak for megan as well. i feel so bad that she has to sleep on that hard convertible chair-bed in the hospital. i wish it was softer and nicer.

i have to go to the clinic today and tomorrow to get my neupogen shots that boost my white blood cell counts. monday i go back to the doctor to get my blood counts checked and possible admitted for chemo. i have a feeling that it will be a couple days later before i get chemo again. right now i am going to take a nerve pill and get a shower so i can go in. i hope that makes me feel better and keeps me from driving megan crazy with my jitters.

i am still in the hospital. the doctors say maybe i can go home tomorrow or wed. i will end up being in here longer with this problem than i did with my knee surgery. when i came in on thursday i only expected a 1 night stay, and it has turned into 6 or 7 nights. my white blood cell count has not come up any in the last few days. it is still at 0.4. in some ways i am getting used to hospital life. the food is probably one of the worst things. even when i choose what i want from the menus they give me it is still bland and tasteless. the dietary workers ask me if i even want it anymore when they come. sometimes, one lady just leaves my tray outside the door cause she knows i won't eat it. i have been living on graham crackers and nutter butter cookies for the last couple of days. they are the only things that really stay down. we did find out that one of the pills that i was taking was causing me to throw up. they are now giving it to me in an IV form. things are getting better. at least i feel better. the blood gives me more energy and pumps me up a bit.

my family and megan have been with me the whole time. i have not had a moment alone. i am greatful for that. without someone here to talk to and share the load i think i would go crazy. one of the nurse's aids likes to give me a hard time. she trys to make me mad so i will show her up and eat more or walk the halls or do something more productive. she gave me a coveted remote control for the tv today. ususally you have to use the button on the bed rail to change channels and turn the tv off. it is so annoying and won't let you go back throught the channels. anyways, i know i have fewer days left than i have been here. also, my chemo will be pushed back until next monday which is a good thing. there is no way my body could handle it any sooner.

well, i have been in the hospital since thursday. still here on sunday and i bet i'll be here a couple more days. i got so weak and my blood counts got really low. i have had two blood transfusions to bring my red blood cell count up. my white cells that fight infection are still really low. they are 0.4 and need to be at least 1.0 before i can go home. only time will help them to regenerate. being here is like being in jail. the walls feel like they are closing in on me. i know i need to be here until i get better but it still upsets me. initially i was just to have a blood transfusion on an outpatient basis and go home. i was running a fever and they ended up keeping me.

my next chemo treatment will have to be pushed back until i re-gain my strength and white blood counts stabilize. these beautiful days are killing me. i just sit and look out the window at the sunshine, trees, and people going by on their merry ways.

well i think i am going to take a nap. all of the meds that i am taking make me tired. i am on 3 different kinds of antibiotics to prevent any infections that may arise and several anti-nausea medicines to keep me from getting sick. they haven't been working that well on me for some reason. the last coulpe of days i have thrown up just about everything that i have eaten. my stomach has just gotten into a routine of rejecting food, which makes me even weaker. i think it is getting a little better. i am just eating small meals.

weakness. that is my word of the day. i feel like i am physically in a hole with no energy to even try getting out. generally i sleep pretty decent at night and take several naps during the day. that sleep still doesn't produce enough energy to have any type of productivity. i eat when i can. my appetite comes in spurts and goes for long periods of time. my mind wants to eat big burgers and all that comes along, but my senses dry up and want nothing of it. thank god for no chemo this week. i'll have a little chance to strengthen up before the next treatment.

today i have really been thinking about my old lifestyle and friends. i used to live a fast paced, somewhat stressful, but carefree in essence life. now i feel like a 85 year old with price as right and jeopardy contestants for best friends. i know i will recover from this and get my old lifestyle back. i just wish things would speed up a little. i know i'll never be the same person as i was, hopefully i'll be a better person.

it has been a while since i thanked everyone for their support. those cards, calls, and emails really do mean a lot to megan and i. thank you all for thinking of us during this ordeal. we wish good things for you all and can't wait to celebrate life with you after this is all over.

well, i am going to try to catch a cat nap and pray that the weather clears up. the last 2 days have been cold and rainy. i stepped outside to get the mail and let the dog out. that is as far as i am going until i get stronger and the weather gets better.

i woke up today thinking that i would make it into the office, but i am just too weak. eating scattered meals consisting largely of liquid will make you weak. last night was the first real meal i had since the chemo on wednesday. the thing i hate most is that they let me recover just enough before the next treatment. right when i start feeling decent, they hit me again. even though i have 9 more treatments before this whole ordeal is over, i can see the end in sight.

last night was not very restful. i tossed and turned all night; waking up in a sweat at least 5 times. i had very vivid, weird dreams. this whole daylight savings time change has also messed with my sleep habits.

it is a beautiful day outside today. just a little chilly. i am ready for the sunshine of summer. i don't know, but i feel like it gives me a little hope to see the sunshine. the winter didn't give me much this year. i was largely confined to the house and depressed. no sleigh riding or snow boarding. i am really looking forward to going to the baseball park and watching the legends play this year. we made it out to 6 or 7 games last year. i hope to make it more this year. i would buy season tickets but i know that is just not practical for us this season. maybe next year...

i had my first chemo treatment of this round on wed. nine more to go. it went pretty well while i was in the hospital. i didn't get sick until i got home yesterday. i think the reason i get sick a lot of the time is that i do not eat and my stomach acid builds up. my appetite is just not very active and i am afraid to eat sometimes. anyway, not much else to say. i go back to the hospital next wed. for another treatment, then i get a week off.