well, i didn't post yesterday. thanksgiving came and went. the food was good and i was able to eat. i don't feel like much of anything today. nasal passages stopped up and lungs still hurt with the occasional cough. my hair has started coming out as i knew it would. its not really a big deal. i don't have much more to say. these days all i really feel like is being alone or with megan. i don't feel like talking to anyone on the phone or in person for that matter. i will admit that the depression may be setting in as the next chemo treatment grows closer. i refuse to take any mood altering uppers as i have seen how they change people. the last thing i want to do is babble my head off or have a fake personality. i cope with stress and anxiety in my own way. it may not be the most healthy way, but it is my way.

the cards keeping coming in the mail daily and i really appreciate the thoughts and prayers. i get cards from people i do not even know, whole churches, and weekly ones from the same crazy old neighbors; all of which really care about me. i often find it hard to believe....

oh a couple more things i'd like to add. there are some things that you should not ask or think about me:

1. "how are you doing/feeling today?" - my response is not going to be real and i don't want to lie or explain my feelings to anyone right now. i don't expect this to change anytime soon. it is kind of like being asked by your parents at the dinner table, "what did you do today?" the favorite response is "nothing."

2. "when do you go back for your next treatment?" - don't remind me. just don't go there. period.

3. don't look at me as a "charity case." i know you all are concerned and want to help out. i truly appreciate the offers to help me in any way. you don't have to stop asking or quit doing things for me. i really will ask you if i desperately need something. i have always believed that small, random, unexpected acts of kindness make the most difference...

well, i guess i am going to step away from this computer and get back to what i do best... popping pills and rotting away in front of the television. i must say this venting has helped... a little...

after 3 hours i finally got a call from the nurse. they wanted me to come in and have a chest x-ray. the nurse told me to go to the clinic, so we headed over there. of course that was the wrong place. i needed to be in the hospital. we trekked across the street to the hospital and went through the normal registration and wait process. they took the x-rays and had me hand deliver them to the doctor i was supposed to see. all of my primary doctors and nurses were on vacation. their office was almost empty. i don't understand what took them so long to call me back. i go back to see the doctor and they take all of my vitals. i had a slight fever. the doctor i saw said he was an assistant to my main doc, but he seemed quite incompetent. after a few minutes of examining me he leaves the room and says, "let me go see what we are going to do with you." that sure is real comforting. i hear him consulting another doctor about my x-ray and i think he called my primary doctor to ask for advice. it really makes me feel like it was just a wasted visit to go over there. he gave me an antibiotic to prevent the onset of pneumonia or the like. he also wrote me a prescription for 2 therapeutic massages. i have so much tension in my back and neck, i think that may be part of the problem. it is tender to the touch. i am going to get a massage shortly and just popped an antibiotic. i just need to relax...

yesterday was a good day. i was able to go to work and feel somewhat normal. it was good to actually talk to some different people on the phone and help out with their tech problems. last night i started having problems breathing. my chest and back between my shoulder blades hurts when i inhale deeply. i am not sure what is going on. i think it may be related in some way to the all day headache i had on monday. pain pills help relieve the pain but not the tightness. megan thinks i may just need a massage, but i think i may have some kind of infection. i called the nurse this morning, but got their stupid answering machine. been waiting almost an hour. if i don't get a call back soon i think i may just drive over to the clinic and ask to see the doctor. this is starting to get really uncomfortable, but not at an emergency stage yet.

i feel like all i do is sleep. i wish i could just sleep for about 6 months and not wake up. i woke up about 5 a.m. this morning with a pounding headache. i grabbed a pain pill and went back to sleep. when i got up about 9:30 the headache was on its way back. time for more pain pills. they just don't seem to help much anymore.

my appetite is pretty pathetic today. i'm not hungry and nothing sounds good. i ate pretty well yesterday but suffered with heart burn because of it. i feel like i am screwed no matter that i do.

the home health nurse came this morning to draw blood. she is taking it to the lab to test my blood count. i am still under orders to stay in the house until the count rises. i should know something by 3 p.m. today. it is always a waiting game with them. i was hoping to go to work today even with the headache. i feel so unproductive, like i am losing my mind to laziness and the tv. i barely feel like writing this blog. it just adds to my headache. i think i'll sleep some more. sleep is my friend...

well, another day in that bag and one closer to my next chemo treatment. it is like the countdown to doomsday. i try hard to not think about the next trip to the hospital but it is impossible. today was as unproductive as any. i slept most of the day while my wife and in-laws put the xmas decorations up. i felt really bad for not helping, but i just plain out didn't have the energy.

i did have a little drama earlier in the day. my dad stopped by to take a look at my broken ice maker. we had thought that maybe the water line that we had installed was stopped up or something. he went into the cellar to unscrew it and the threads stripped out on the connector. water was spewing everywhere. i hear his call for help and go into the cellar to find the water shutoff valve. we searched and could not find one. i ran out to the front of the house and opened up the water meter. we had to shut the water main to the house off while he ran to home depot to get a replacement part. upon more brainstorming we realized that the pipe could not have been stopped up because we were able to get drinking water out of the refrigerator dispenser. all of that mess would have been avoided if we had just given the problem more thought. we ended up calling sears repair to come fix it.

well, i guess i should start by catching up on what has happened so far. it has been about a week and a half since my first chemo treatment. i spent one night in the hospital and had two treatments of two different chemo drugs. when i came home from the hospital the hell began. the nausea and vomiting began to set in while i had no energy what-so-ever. my taste buds and sense of smell were all but destroyed along with my healthy appetite. the thought of eating was sickening. i found that i could only force feed myself a few things like diced peaches, applesauce, and some chicken noodle soup. after a few days my energy level started to rise and the sea-sick feelings gradually faded. by the end of week-one i was missing work and my friends pretty bad. the start of week-two brought more vomiting. just when i thought it was over... it makes a fierce comeback. i was determined to go to work, only if just for a few hours. i made it in for a few days and on wednesday i felt great. my appetite was back with a vengeance. after a week of drinking most of my food, i went overboard and ate too much spicy food. my stomach blew up from the garbage i fed it. thursday i was miserable. the home health nurse came to draw blood and test my white blood cell count. they told me that 10 days after my chemo treatment my count would be at its lowest. she called me later that day to confirm this and order me to stay confined to the house until at least monday! she said i was a sitting duck to sickness right now and i need to stay as far away from any germs as i can. i feel like i am under house arrest. the walls of my house slowly closing in....

i have had a decent day today. i have just been taking it easy cleaning out old email, watching tv, playing xbox, and working on my website. my appetite is not very active, but my energy level is not at an all-time low. i really felt like i could have gone to work today, but the nurse called again to check on me and said that i just can't afford to get out and risk exposure to germs. i feel like wearing a bio-suit and gas mask. at this point i would do that if the doctors told me it would make a big difference. i am at their mercy right now. speaking of doctors; i got a statement from the insurance company today stating that they did not intend to pay for the port-a-cath that i had put into a vein in my chest for chemo delivery. they claim it is not medically necessary. as far as i am concerned i really wasn't given any other options. all of the doctors i spoke with said it was by far the best method for chemo delivery. looks like i will be appealing this $1200 charge. i am not going to stress about something this small. i am beginning to feel a little hungry. i think i'll stop writing this blog for today and go try to round up some dinner.