the trip to vandy was long and full of drama, but i don't regret it. we headed down there monday night and the rain was horrible. megan was driving the xterra in some of the worst driving conditions possible. i puked twice on the way. once in a paper bag and another in a plastic bag form a gas station. my dinner did not stay down. i think it was partially due to the stressful drive. once we got to nashville, the directions we had were not correct. we took a few wrong turns but ended up getting there. the days inn was totally ghetto. we will never stay there again. for a few more bucks we could have been in the holiday inn select! tuesday morning we checked out and had to wait several hours until the doctors appointment. once we got to the doctor, we found out that they were running 2 hours behind schedule. so the wait was even longer. the consultation was something that could have probably been done over the phone. dr. holt explained the surgery a little. i will have a total knee replacement that is made of metal. it will last 15-20 years before needing repair. i will have to have chemo after surgery to prevent the cancer from living in my body and hopefully prevent it from ever coming back. the length of treatments is yet to be determined. i will need MRI's and CT scans a week before the surgery which is scheduled for sometime around february 10th. i go back to see the surgeon on the 3rd for final questions, etc . that's about the extent of things. the ride home was better. i drove halfway. i got pulled over on the bluegrass parkway for doing 78 in a 65 but the cop had pity on me and only gave me a verbal warning. we made it home and i slept like a rock!

well it is new years eve. i think we may get out of the house tonight and go over to a friend's place and try to celebrate a little. i have been feeling pretty good and i just might drink a beer if my stomach stays calm.

today started off better than yesterday... no puking. i was sick all day yesterday. i couldn't keep down water or my medicines. i called the doctor this morning and explained what was going on and they didn't have much to say. they just called in some more medicine at the pharmacy. it feels like my stomach cramps up about every 30 minutes or whenever i put anything into it. i feel hungry but almost afraid to eat anything.

megan and i are heading for nashville tonight. i got a room at the days inn close to the vandy campus. i hope the traveling is good and i don't get sick on the way. it is normally about a 4 hour drive and they are an hour behind our time. i hope we get there by 8:30 or 9 pm.

not much else is going on today. i found out that an old friend of mine had cancer a while back and beat it. it is good to hear other peoples success stories. it still amazes me to know how many people cancer affects....

once again i have been lazy and have put off posting for a while. i had a pretty good christmas. santa was good to me. i ate a lot on christmas day and felt the effects the next day. i don't think my stomach has calmed down since. i have probably lost several more pounds because of it. it seems like i vomit everyday for one reason or another. it is discouraging. i don't want to be sick everyday.

today is the last day that i have to do the IV of antibiotics. the home health nurse will be here any minute to remove the needle from my port-a-cath. thank god. i am so tired of doing the IV twice a day. it has been a major inconvenience for both me and megan.

i am looking forward to tuesday. we are meeting with my surgeon at vandy. i am not sure what we will talk about. i assume we will plan the surgery and set a date. i want this tumor out of me now. i know i can handle the physical pain from the surgery. the rehab is going to be rough, but there is no way it will be worse than the chemo treatments. i am hoping that the surgeon will opt for no more chemo after the surgery or minimal treatments. my body can't handle much more.

i just want to be normal again. i want my life back. i want to go to work and get into a routine again. i want to do things for myself. i just feel like screaming. i know things will normalize soon enough, but getting there is a bitch.

what a lazy day today has been. i am sleeping the days away one at a time. it seems like i never get tired of sleeping. today was better than yesterday. i didn't feel quite as sick. my appetite is still pretty weak although i have eaten more today. the nurse came this morning and took some blood. she called later to say that my blood count is great. this is good news. my sister came by today with my nephew, evan. they stayed a couple hours and brought some cheer and a dairy queen blizzard. evan loves to play xbox and i had fun just watching. we are getting closer to Christmas and we still are not done with all of the shopping. i hope we get it done soon. i am just glad i don't have to get out in the crowds and mess. that is something i don't miss at all.

well, it seems like a lot has changed since the last post. i had my fourth chemo treatment and spent a night in the hospital. this type of chemo was the same as my first treatment. it is really strong and makes me sick. it seems like i am on edge all of the time and i just throw up randomly. i hate it. while i was in the hospital i had a small fever one night. my doctor immediately jumped to conclusions that i could have an infection and has put me on an antibiotic that have to be given through an IV. we had home health come out and show us how to do it. since i have a port-a-cath it is fairly easy to do twice a day for 2 hours at a time for 10 days. we just hook it up and let it run. i really don't think i have any infection. i think she jumped to conclusions and now i have to deal with this IV for 10 days on top of everything else. i just can't seem to get a break.
my appetite has been zapped again. nothing sounds good to eat and i don't feel hungry. i hope this doesn't last too long.

well, it has been a few days since my last post. i am getting lazy and slacking off. today i was scheduled to get my 4th round of chemo. the doctor took one look at the sores in my mouth and said no chemo for you today. i don't know whether to be glad or upset. i was ready to get it overwith but i was also dreading it. i called the doctor back to find out when i need to come back for chemo and they said thursday morning. i also have to continue to take some pills every six hours to rid my body of the chemo.

today has been as unproductive as usual. i have had a decent appetite, but eating is like torture. huge pieces of skin are peeling out of the inside of my mouth. i ate pizza yesterday and had to fight to hold back tears it hurt so bad.

on a more positive note, i have a lot of my xmas shopping done. thanks to the internet. i didn't set foot in a single store with the purpose of buying a gift. my sister tracy stopped by and helped me wrap megan's gifts. she is going to pick up a few stocking stuffers for me tomorrow. i may try to go into work tomorrow for a few hours. i will have to check and see how many people are sick and check my energy level.

i have neglected to post for several days. i wrote a post while i was in the hospital, but my computer locked up and i lost it. i just didn't have the energy to re-write it. it wasn't very good anyway.

i feel worthless. i am always tired and weak. i don't feel like doing anything. taking a shower is enough to wear me out. i just want this whole thing to be over soon. good news is that i am halfway through this round of chemo. i have had 3 of the 6 treatments before surgery. i just have to keep hanging in there and knock them out. i think the worst part about being in the hospital is being tethered to that IV pump machine. i have to get someone to help me when i want to go anywhere. when you have to urinate about every hour that is no good.

i have so many things to keep track of. between the pills i have to take, shot i have to give myself, doctor appointments, and next trip to the hospital. i think i am going to start keeping a calendar on my pc to manage all of this stuff.

today was a lazy day. not much going on. we sat around until about 4pm. finally got a shower and dressed and went out to carabba's to eat. i saw an old friend that i had not seen in a while. he was pretty shocked to find out what i was dealing with. kind of funny but, his brother was actually the person that suggested that i start this blog. anyway, dinner was good and i filled up quick. i just can't get over how small my stomach has gotten.

tomorrow is going to be a sad day. visitation for megan's granny flossie will be pretty much all day. it is still hard to believe she is gone. those summer cookouts and church activities will not be the same without her. i just try to remember the good times and stress that to megan when she gets down. i hope i wake up strong in the morning and able to support megan and her family throughout the day. i don't want attention directed toward me. i still have to be prepared to answer the daunting "how are you?" all day. i hate that so much.... i want that attention on granny flossie's life and all of the great things she did.

well, what can i say about today... i went to UK this morning to get some blood work done. they said all is good with my blood levels. i forgot to take my anti-nausea pill this morning so by lunch time i felt crappy. about an hour after i took the pill, my appetite picked up and i felt quite a bit better.

on another note, i got bored earlier and started picking out components to build a new computer. we have been using the same desktop pc for about 3-4 years and it just isn't cutting it anymore. i use a sony vaio laptop to couch surf most of the time, but megan uses the desktop for auto-cad and photoshop. it is an old P3 500 mhz. i have been reasearching components that i like for a couple weeks now. after reading tons of reviews, i decided to bite the bullet and order the stuff. i think i got a pretty good deal on everything. building a new pc will give me something to do in the coming weeks and allow me to play multi-player games online with some friends.

next week i will probably try to get as much of my xmas shopping done as possible. i need to get things ordered so they will have plenty of time to get shipped here. i plan on doing about 95% of my shopping online. it is much easier to compare prices and you don't have to get out in crowded stores.

snow is in the forcast for tonight and tomorrow morning. i hope we get an inch or two. my philosophy about winter is if it has to be cold, it might as well snow. snow seems to make things more interesting.

last night was a night of tossing and turning. i had to set my alarm clock so i would remember to take my pills every 6 hours. then we got a call around 8 a.m. from megan's dad. her grandmother had passed away in her sleep last night. it feels like someone is playing evil tricks on us. just as i am starting to feel a little better, this happens. i can't help from screaming, WHY??? why is this happening to us at this time? no answers come. there is no explanation. her granny was such a kind, loving, unselfish woman. she would always say how much she loved me just like a grandson. the last time i saw her she told me how she wished that she could take these chemo treatments for me. i know she is in a much better place than this cruel world and she will truly be missed!

i made it home today after a luxurious 3 day, 2 night stay at UK hospital. i have to say that it is good to be home! the meds seem to be working pretty good. my nausea is pretty well contained. i have to take these special pills every 6 hours to counteract the poisonous chemo. these pills protect my kidneys.

right now i am fairly hungry but i have no idea what i'd like to eat. i woke up at like 5 am this morning craving frosted flakes. my dad went to the cafeteria and got me 2 of those prepackaged bowls and a danish. i ate both bowls and half of the danish. damn it feels good to eat like a hog!

not much else is going on. i am just taking it easy as usual and watching tv.

i spent the night in the hospital getting some chemo. it looks like i will have to stay one more night and take IV fluids to flush my kidneys. this chemo is highly toxic to my kidneys. luckily i have not had the nausea that i had before. they are trying some new anti-nausea medicine on me this time. this medicine also treats anxiety and stimulates appetite. the medicine is also use to treat schizophrenia, so i am taking care of my insanity at the same time. hahaha. i just took it about an hour ago and i am trying to gauge how it has affected me. i feel more calm and relaxed. i also feel less likely to be sick. the crazy meds must be workin. guess we'll see...

the main problem with hospitals is how boring they are. the tv is the only thing to take your mind off things. that gets old, fast. especially the daytime tv lineup. all of the shows are aimed at stay at home moms and their toddler children. gimme a break... having my laptop here helps out a little. it adds to the the distraction. i have to admit that his room is much better than last time. it is much larger and has an attached private lounge/waiting room. you could pack a party of about 25 in here if the liquor was flowing. speaking of liquor, the craving for a bottle of beer or a jack and coke has hit the roof. it has been over a month since i have had a drink of alcohol. if i get feeling better in the next few days, i may just have to sneak a small drink.

enough for now folks. have fun at your daily grind. sadly i miss mine with a passion. i miss the repetative normalcy that i am so used to. i miss talking to the 1 out of 10 people that just has no clue and never will....