well, i didn't post yesterday. thanksgiving came and went. the food was good and i was able to eat. i don't feel like much of anything today. nasal passages stopped up and lungs still hurt with the occasional cough. my hair has started coming out as i knew it would. its not really a big deal. i don't have much more to say. these days all i really feel like is being alone or with megan. i don't feel like talking to anyone on the phone or in person for that matter. i will admit that the depression may be setting in as the next chemo treatment grows closer. i refuse to take any mood altering uppers as i have seen how they change people. the last thing i want to do is babble my head off or have a fake personality. i cope with stress and anxiety in my own way. it may not be the most healthy way, but it is my way.

the cards keeping coming in the mail daily and i really appreciate the thoughts and prayers. i get cards from people i do not even know, whole churches, and weekly ones from the same crazy old neighbors; all of which really care about me. i often find it hard to believe....

oh a couple more things i'd like to add. there are some things that you should not ask or think about me:

1. "how are you doing/feeling today?" - my response is not going to be real and i don't want to lie or explain my feelings to anyone right now. i don't expect this to change anytime soon. it is kind of like being asked by your parents at the dinner table, "what did you do today?" the favorite response is "nothing."

2. "when do you go back for your next treatment?" - don't remind me. just don't go there. period.

3. don't look at me as a "charity case." i know you all are concerned and want to help out. i truly appreciate the offers to help me in any way. you don't have to stop asking or quit doing things for me. i really will ask you if i desperately need something. i have always believed that small, random, unexpected acts of kindness make the most difference...

well, i guess i am going to step away from this computer and get back to what i do best... popping pills and rotting away in front of the television. i must say this venting has helped... a little...